there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
