Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
