Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
