She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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