I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
