He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
