I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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