what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
