Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
