I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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