Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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