got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
