i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
