you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
