the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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