I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
two words...techno handjob
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize