Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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