There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
