I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
two words: eviction party
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
