I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
