the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
