so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
