I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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