when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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