somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
