Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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