youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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