Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
