I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
