i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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