please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
