i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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