Already got asked if we're dating
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
