after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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