yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
