just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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