I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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