I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
