After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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