Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
