does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
