Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
