I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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