our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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