that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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