I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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