the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
