Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
