They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
