was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
