Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
