I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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