also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
either way he was missing a nipple.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
