The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
