At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.